The first day I heard the term “Vex Money” I laughed so hard, tears started coming out of my eyes. My roommate was going on a date outside the campus and didn’t have enough money on her so she came over to loan some from me.
I was sitting on my top bunk bed when she asked me for the money and I looked at her askance. Vex money ke? Which one is that one again now? Sebi If the guy asked you out he should be responsible for everything you guys will do shouldn’t he? Your own is just to jeje show up and chop all the chopables abi? Yimu!
Dear ladies, if you haven’t caught onto the vex money train yet you better open yah eyes oh before one day monkey go enter market he no go return again. Shey una don hia? Ehen, moving on…
Fast forward a few weeks later little mousy me with my Mary Amaka ankle length white jeans skirt was coming back from my GST class. That’s how this annoyingly well packaged guy with enough muscles filling out his black police T-shirt stopped me
“Hello fine girl, can I walk with you?”
I looked around thinking he was speaking to someone else but there was nobody around. He was actually speaking to me! I mumbled some incoherent response while my heart immediately picked up rhythm… Kputum, Kputum, Kputum, the traitorous organ raced on at the equivalent of 180km/hour, my palms started sweating.
Now you have to understand how I looked in my first and second year in the university. I only wore long skirts, I only fixed all back Ghana weaving, my eyebrows were never drawn on right; one will be facing heaven while the other is gisting with Satan down below, I used to line my top and bottom lip with black eyeliner and then add thick lip-gloss on top. In fact from a distance you’d probably see my black lips before you saw my face very well. I had this black bag that I ALWAYS carried night and day.
Of course my ministry has now moved to the permanent site now oh. I’m now a Lagos big, fine geh (wink wink), but you get the picture.
Back to our story – when Osas (that was his name) asked me to hang out at this cool joint the next day I quickly said yes. Opportunity knocks but once my people. When he offered to come pick me up in his car I looked up and said Oghene Doh! (Weldone God), I had finally caught a campus big fish. That is how I rushed back to my room and used my normal study hour to wash my white skirt again and patiently watch it dry, before ironing it and folding it properly.
The next day I rushed from school, bathed and then took time to properly line my lips with the black liner. I did two layers that day; special effect tinz…u understand abi? Ehen. I even used my precious vanilla body spray that multi tasked as my roll-on, body spray and perfume. I only used it on special occasions like birthdays, public holidays, Christmas, or harvest (in church). That day, I used it for Osas.
That’s how Osas showed up finally and I climbed into the car. I almost greeted him “Good Evening, Sir.” I was that awed by the 504 he came with (if any of you laugh here ehn, I will locate you and pinch your kidney).
My first hint of impending trouble was when he drove past the agreed location close to the university. Of course I was too intimidated to ask why. I kept quiet until we arrived at this shady looking place. From the exterior I could see the smoke from all the cigarettes like cumulonimbus and nimbostratus clouds hovering above the place. The music was loud and nasty and the laughter from its occupants made me realize 95% of them were guys.
My S.U. heart shriveled up in fear! I looked at him and asked if this was the place we were going on the date? The idiot started laughing.
”Date? Are you serious? Do you know what it would do to my reputation if people knew I was going on a date with Mary the mother of Jesus? Nahhh, let’s just have a little fun”
I said I didn’t want to have fun. His six packs suddenly didn’t seem so attractive to me anymore so I told him to please go drop me back at the hostel. The guy just locked his car and strolled inside leaving me out there! That was the last I heard from him by the way.
It was getting dark by then. I knew I couldn’t stay there for long. That is when I remembered the vex money I put in my pocket earlier. I said a quick prayer of blessing on my roommate who taught me about it and quickly walked to the main road, hailed an okada and fled to the safety of my room.
My people this is my testimony oh, this is how vex money saved me. Since then I have made it my personal responsibility to inform all ladies of dateable age that vex money is not to be joked with. In fact have extra in case your own situation is the type of guy that won’t pay for food after you have eaten it.
What about you? Have you ever been stranded on a date gone wrong? How did you survive?